To Influence People, Stop Criticizing Them and Do This Instead!
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
Early in my career and life, I tended to criticize other people's ideas and actions as a way to change their mind or behavior. In addition to not being being able to influence them I hurt my long term relationships with those people.
Criticizing people only allows us to express our feelings but does not produce any positive outcomes.
Dale Carnegie in "How to Win Friends and Influence People" shares that:
Criticizing people forces them to dig in and defend themselves
Criticism wounds a person's pride and creates resentment
And, People are more likely to be influenced by positive reinforcement than criticism
Even Abraham Lincoln was not as influential when he was younger as he would criticize people extensively in public. It was only later in life that he stopped criticizing people and become much more influential.
I have reduced my tendency to criticize people over the last decade by developing alternate approaches to communication and it has made a huge difference in my ability to influence people.
Here are some atomic habits that are helpful in influencing other people's mind on any idea.
1: Deeply understand the other person's perspective first
People are not open to being influenced if they don't feel truly heard and understood. This typically results in talking past each other.
2: Identify the part of the idea that you agree with and share that
With any idea that someone shares there is something that you agree with, lead with that.
3: Ask questions that help them articulate the underlying assumptions
In order to evaluate any idea you need to dig into the assumptions on why the idea would solve the problem. By asking questions you help both the other person and yourself understand the assumptions and evaluate the merits of the idea.
4: Share your concerns and blind spots they may have
In order to help the other person share the areas they need to think more deeply about to make the idea stronger and more resilient.
5: Collaborate to make their idea better
Finally brainstorm ways to address the concerns you brought up and help make their idea much stronger.
By doing these, you become a thought partner and the person would come back to you for your input.